I give myself an assignment today. That is, to write a blog post tonight. The good thing, from what I see, is.. I’m sticking to a commitment that I’ve made to myself. But somehow, writing something when you feel you’re obliged to.. that does something with your creative mood.
Anyway, might as well just to blab what’s in my mind. So many subjects, things, that visit my mind and be pondered, all through the day. Why not trying to throw it out a little.
This kinda reminds me to my old English Class. Please don’t mind with my nostalgic mood. Well during my high school, on every period of English, we were obliged to write on our Journal Book, for about half an hour. It could be about anything, but usually the teacher put one or two ideas of topic written on the board, just to boost our creativity, I guess. And so, we did write. Or sometimes we pretended to, hehehe.. After the writing session ended, the teacher would pick one or two lucky students (or unlucky ones?) to read what they have written. Most of the time our writing was.. blabs of things hahaha.. But I think this method worked pretty well.
Anyway, let’s go back with what I’ve written up above. Mean Girls. That’s a movie title, yeah. But perhaps I’m entitled to claim that I’m also one of them. Well not exactly in the definition of bullying the minors (at school, workplace).. but.. in my attitude to certain people, in certain situation. I think I can be so mean sometimes. And I actually don’t like the idea of seeing myself as one of the mean girls. But perhaps one can’t help it.
I feel like I’m so mean when I have to say something bad, but is actually the truth, to my friends. Sometimes even to mere acquaintance. There’s a mixed after-taste afterwards, which I can’t fully enjoy. A part of me would be satisfied with myself, congratulating on what I’ve just done, because I finally had said what I’ve been wanting to say. But the other part of me would be bothered with thoughts like : What I’ve just done? Have I hurt his/her feeling? I feel bad. I don’t wanna upset him/her.. Arrgh.
In those times I definitely agree with “Truth hurts”.
Should I or should I not say the truth then, when it hurts?…
Speaking theoritically – and a bit avoiding those two extreme options – one would say, always see it case by case. Sometimes yes you have to tell the truth, and some other times, you don’t have to say the WHOLE truth. You don’t lie, just don’t tell it as complete as it is supposed to be.
Just tonight I got a very awkward phonecall. A friend, a girl, tried to investigating my absence on her ‘group’ for the last one month. I kept telling her I got busy at office. I just got sick and not 100% healthy yet. She asked me about the same thing, about three times, in different ways, but I know she kept on pointing the same question of why. And she kept on telling me, or begging me, perhaps?, to keep them updated. If there’s anything that troubles me (I translated that as if I got any fight with any of them), I should let them know and talk about it openly, and try to solve it.
I kept avoiding her question. Every other minutes she get less and less of my attention. In my mind was, how can I end this phone conversation as soon as possible? I’m so choked with her words and her voice…. When it finally ended, felt like I’m inhaling fresh air.
I did an introspection afterwards. The thing is, with that group, I don’t have any personal problem with any of them, I’m not holding grudge whatsoever. I do enjoy -somehow- being with them, with all the jokes, the fun, the thing we do together.. but.. there’s not much bond I get there, no really true feeling of friendship. I just be with them as scheduled, as needed, because we share a certain ‘purpose’ to be together, but I don’t really feel so enthusiastic with them. I don’t find friendship there, there’s a gap that I can’t bridge in there. And since there’s no benefit I really get there, it should be simply concluded as a waste of time. Oh yea perhaps I got some network when I’m with them, but not really beneficial for me either. So I have nothing to lose. That’s why I left.
But yeah I left in silence. I didn’t tell them why. And that goes back related to what I wrote up there. I don’t have the guts to say no, to hurt their feeling by telling them I have no fun with them (well I did have some fun anyway with them, but it felt kinda shallow). Would I actually really hurt their feeling if I say something so true like this to them?
Oh dammit. It’s something so girly to think too much of “my effect on them”.
In times like these I think I need to be more egoistic. I just wanna leave them, just because I want to. And that’s it. Still, in that deep conscience of mine, I feel that I’m so mean. Or am I not?
I gotta decide. They need my answer.
Yeah, she did keep telling me “Update us ya..” More than five times perhaps. I got my witness.